Ninety Fourth Edition of The: Top 10 Quotes Overheard in the ICBM Program
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Here they are folks...enjoy.
10) “Why are we doing this again?”
“Because the Joint Staff said so. So sayeth the shepherd.”
9) “I’ll bet my contractor couldn’t get even rid of ______s body.” – Officer
“Depends on what kind of award fee we are talkin’ about.” – Contractor
8) “This is going to be the most accurate launch in the history of ICBMs, and if it isn’t, then it is ______s fault.”
7) “I have a couple of questions that I am going to ask, but for the most part, what’s left will make it to the discussion table for ________ to stab repeatedly to death while wearing the SAC chain-mail glove holding some medieval dagger shaped like a bolt of lightning.”
6) “So which Air Staff toad wants to know this?”
“General _______...and he probably doesn’t appreciate being called ‘Toad’.”
5) “He’s so damn good at acquisitions that he could get thrown out of an airplane naked at 17,500 feet and hit the ground with a weapon, a uniform, and 12 magazines full of ammo.”
4) “Someday, I aspire to have even more ‘pricktitude’ than _____ does.”
3) “Without EWO, missile is a non-technical career field.”
2) “Did you ever wonder what you did in your life path to warrant this?”
Now, the #1 quote overheard in the ICBM program...
1) “Every day I get to think about killing ___________ (Foreign Nationality Listed on TATD) is a good day. How could I not be happy?”
1) “We have to take training that the Air Force has zero tolerance for ‘Human Trafficking’?
How many General’s out there have aids and execs? It’s the same thing.”
ICBM Program Quotes Bonus Section
The life of a staff officer is a harsh one. One must deal with being constantly surrounded by high-ranking officers, Power Point presentations continuously in development, and endless SITREPS, INTSUMS, that put one in a Bermuda-Triangle-like vortex of information and acronyms. Here are some quotes from members of the other branches of our great military:
“'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'"
Marine Col (MARFOREUR)
"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..."
Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings
"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..."
"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM)
"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot."
LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command
"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute."
"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em."
"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."
Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.
"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..."
LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation
"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?"
CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea
"Never pet a burning dog."
LTC (Tennessee National Guard)
"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career."
Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."
"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness."
LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference
"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers."
"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?"
"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..."
Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM
"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today."
Maj (EUCOM) after listening to a JFCOM trainer/mentor
"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."
"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain."
"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."
"Vision without funding is hallucination."
"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit."
"It was seen, visually."
LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing
"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..."
"This should be a short conversation."
Lt Col to Lt Col (EUCOM)
"You only know as much as you don't know."
"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."
"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up."
LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan
"We are being told to do more and more with less and less, until eventually we will be doing everything with nothing."
"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position. Could you tell us what our position is?"
CDR (TRANSCOM, Transportation Command) at a policy SVTC (Secure Video Teleconference)